Becoming Who I am...
If a story shared can just help one person, then it is worth it. It you are sensitive to topics such as alcohol addiction; drugs or suicidal tendencies/ victim of a loved one committing suicide. Help is behind these links when you click on them. Please only read this when you are mindfully stronger.​
My birth Mum left before I became 2 years old, so my Dad and me moved in with my Nanna. My Dad worked full time and his older sister became my main care giver. She had never married or had any children of her own and was a devote Sunday School Teacher. The housing estate I lived in was perfectly positioned between the countryside and an 18 hole golf course, which blessed my childhood friends and I with many wonderful adventures.
I became a young carer at 8, supporting both my Nanna who had Alzheimers and my Dad who took redundancy. Being sleep deprived affected my school life. My Dad loved God, but I think had suffered in early childhood during WWII, then serving in the RAF and the Army. Unfortunately, over time, my Dad lost total interest in life.
I was not equipped mentally to watch my Dad give up, so I escaped to nature when I could. As I got older, I explored other ways to escape, such as drugs and alcohol. Back then, there was little awareness on the dangers and I took my first drug when I was 11 and at 14 worked part time in a nightclub. I remember how music and dancing really lifted my vibe, plus everyone at raves were so open. I know it's such a cliche, but I really felt 'peace, love and happiness man.' We hugged each other so much, watching sunsets and sunrises with each other; something that just never happened at home. I remember the first-time heroin was offered to me when I was 15 years old, at a rave, I refused, thank God, a few others did not, and they eventually ended up either dead or with addiction issues. I now look back and know it was the friends who I was with who made it enjoyable, not necessarily the drugs.
At 18, my Nanna passed at 97 years old. I had done pretty well in my GCSEs, but unfortunately a teacher told me I should give up on the thought of university as I was not smart enough. I believed him. As a result, I only got 2 out of 3 A-levels which was not bad considering I did not study.
At 21, my cousin, who was like a brother to me committed suicide. He stuck a gun in his mouth and blew his head off. He was 22 years old. This affected me and my family hugely; I eventually had suicidal thoughts myself. I went on strong anti-depressants, other meds followed.
At 29, two family members' (Father & Son) died, and this made me think about my life and what I was doing with it. I had put others first for so long.
So in 2005, just before my 30th, I left my Belfast childhood home, making sure social care support was in place for my Dad, and moved to Scotland, Edinburgh. I changed career from I.T to working a few jobs in various schools as an assistant, returning to college part time completing my level 3. I was still heavily involved caring for my Dad, travelling home often.
I immediately fell in love with Bonnie Scotland and was a member of a soul nourishing hill- walking group; I got back into nature.. Around 2007, I received a call that my Dad had been arrested. At 75 years old he tried to kill himself and my whole world came crumbling down. I took leave from work and returned home. The charges were dropped, and when I done what I could, I came back to Scotland.
Before I knew it I was on 5 types of medication for chronic anxiety, chronic depression, insomnia - extra medication for the side effects. I was receiving flashbacks to childhood and it was extremely difficult. I tried counselling which didn't seem to work for me. I was being sucked into a dark hole.
I returned home in 2011 and my Father's dementia was worsening. I cared for him, worked full-time in special needs settings; studied 6 years part-time for a degree and worked at the weekends, looking after a young adult with Autism. I battled with alcohol at times.
I stopped all medication in 2015 as I did not want this to be my life. In 2016 I felt I had no choice but to bring my Dad to a care home and I felt an enormous amount of guilt. I do not recommend stopping meds unless you speak to your GP first. I made a big mistake of not tapering off properly and so had electric shocks through my head everyday for at least a month!
Simultaneously, I met my birth Mum in 2017, along with 3 half siblings! My Mum was not in a great place. She shared with me that she was raped at 17 and lost her baby boy after carrying him full-term. She went onto have 3 more girls but struggled in ways. She met my Dad at 42 years old and understandably, she told me she did not want me; my Dad persuaded her to. I discovered My Dad had known where she was the whole time and had lied about her whereabouts. I do feel he thought it was best. Both my parents passed in 2018.
My on-going learning has saved my sanity at times, with latter courses more focused on healing:​
-
BA Child & Youth Studies (level 6)
-
Children's Learning & Development (SNVQ level 3)
-
Forest School Leader 3 Trained
-
​ITC Outdoors First Aid & Paediatric First Aid
-
Advanced DBS
-
Numerous CPD & in-house courses such as: SQA Autism in Children & Young People; SQA Counselling; Learning Disability Awareness; Autism & Structured Play; Positive Behaviour Support; Epilepsy; Manual Handling; Infection Control; Food Hygiene; Suicide Awareness
-
Safeguarding Children & Safeguarding Adults with Special Needs
-
MAPA & Team Teach training​
-
IOSH Managing Safely
-
Diploma in Mindfulness
-
Introduction to Ayurveda
-
Rahanni Celestial Healing, levels 1 & 2 (Teacher)
-
Qigong, Meditation, Breathwork & Sound Healing Practitioner
-
Reiki Master Teacher
-
Spiritual Coach + Mentorship Program
I moved to England in 2018 for a fresh start. I have always loved Jesus; believed in God and I've always been a seeker, reading many books on philosophy, nature, religions, self development and spirituality.
During the first lockdown on furlough, I developed a morning routine of getting up at 5am. I was doing two hour meditations, learning, affirming, hugging trees, grounding, learning about essential oils, exploring Ayurveda and more! I began to feel a strong desire to share what I discovered so I created this website in June 2020 and then my outdoor playgroup followed, 'Wee Nature Spirits' in Dec 2020.
Starting my playgroup (on two credit cards!) was a divine blessing. I found acceptance and non-judgement with families who inspired me to become who a truly am; LOVE.
I had found my purpose and became a better person. After 3.5 years, I had to close my playgroup in May 2024 due to the land I sublet from was sold. This was a tough phase, as it was done in quite an unkind way and I had a couple of breakdowns - I got through them quicker though than before because of everything I had learned; plus my families supporting me.
I decided to become a Reiki Teacher, as my parents and friends had given me some beautiful feedback from the last few years of me facilitating Reiki treatments, alongside running the playgroup.
I will always be a student and one of the best pieces of advice given to me was 'take each day as it comes'.
Deepest Gratitude & Love,
Lu & her cat Tiggy x
ps I am not a trained psychologist, and it is always a good idea to seek professional support. For this reason, I created a mental health & suicide resource section listing various wonderful organisations for adults, young people and children. This is part of my life story and I do not condone the use of drugs (they are illegal!) or alcohol recklessly. I've made many unhealthy choices in this lifetime but am working on choosing healthier ones.